Finding Out He Cheated, After He Died

Being widowed is a tough enough burden to bear, especially with a six-year-old child to care for. But for Julie Metz, the sudden death of her husband Henry was only the tip of the iceberg. Six months after his passing, she learned shocking news: For years, Henry had betrayed their marriage, having several affairs, including a relationship with one of their friends.

The news sent Metz reeling, and to cope, she began to keep a journal. That journal became the impetus for her candid memoir, Perfection.  Loveawake.com  recently had the opportunity to chat with Metz about her book.

Loveawake: Why did you write "Perfection"?

Julie Metz: I think women are struggling with this idea of perfection: Perfect bodies, relationships, kids, jobs, and houses. The pressure to be perfect creates misery and shame and ultimately leads women to make poor choices as they try to hide parts of themselves or their lives they feel are less than perfect. I had to confront that aspect of my life, and I wanted to find a way to redefine the word "perfection."

Loveawake: When friends first told you of Henry's affairs six months after his death, what was your first reaction?

Metz: I was enraged, bewildered and broken-hearted. It was like losing him again but in a different way. I felt as though I'd never really known him, and I questioned whether any of what we'd had together had been real. I couldn't confront him, and this was one reason I decided to contact the other women. Henry had become a stranger to me, and I felt a strong desire to understand who he was. I also wanted to understand how these women had rationalized their choices. I felt they owed me an explanation for their damaging behavior.

Loveawake: What did you learn from contacting these women?

Metz: What I found were surprising areas of common ground. With the exception of the woman in my town, these women had  short affairs  with my husband during times of great upheaval. They were in vulnerable situations, and my husband took advantage of that. I also came to understand more about my husband's life during his last year or so. He was troubled, and this brought me to a place of compassion, which is the first step to forgiveness.

Loveawake: Did you ever feel like those 13 years of marriage, besides having your daughter Liza, were a waste?

Metz: I did feel that the years with Henry had been a waste, except for the most wonderful thing we did together, which was having our daughter. But after I began recovering from the shock, I was slowly able to look back on our years together in a different way. While I might wish that our lives together had been more peaceful, I don't feel it was all a waste now. I hope the reader will also come to a place of compassion for Henry. I think he was searching in midlife for something in a confused and finally self-destructive way. He was careless with Liza and me, but in the end, he was more careless with himself.

Loveawake: How has Liza dealt with this news? Were you worried your book would upset her?

Metz: Liza was six at the time of her father's death. (She's now 13.) I thought long and hard about writing the book. In the end, I felt she had a deep understanding about the nature of her parents' relationship, having witnessed many of our arguments, and would be better served with an honest understanding of what had been going on. I think she understands that while he was a flawed man, he loved her deeply.

Loveawake: Did you have any suspicions about what was happening while Henry was alive?

Metz: In hindsight, there were many clues. We had a volatile relationship. At its best, it was passionate and exciting; at its worst, we fought. During the last years, it was mostly the worst, and we had been in couples therapy for several years at the time of his death.